The FEAR of LOSING LOVE

Wow, this is a big one, isn't it?

Have you ever been hurt by anyone that you thought loved you? (Although I don't discuss this in the podcast for Thursday - yeah, I'm trying to get a little AHEAD now! - this can even be connected with a parent.)

For many people, this hurt can create in them such a fear of losing love again (and also experiencing that hurt again) that they simply choose to pull back and not offer love to anyone at anytime.

Where are you in all of this? You know, the fact is that, when you care - when you open yourself up to others by caring - you open yourself up to disappointment and hurt. It's true! It's just a fact of life! But will you allow that potential disappointment and hurt keep you from experiencing all the joy and happiness that love can bring?

So much of this "fear of the loss of love" comes back to some sort of a low self-esteem. This low self-esteem can be connected to the "fear of poverty" that we discussed earlier as well as the "fear of criticism". What do I mean? Let me explain.

For some, the "fear of poverty" or feeling like they don't "have enough" or that they can't "offer enough" to someone takes control over the actual relationship between two people. They begin to fear that if they cannot provide all the "finer" things in life that the object of their love may lose interest and leave. Does that happen sometimes? Sure it does! But, in my opinion, you are better off knowing that now than going on in a relationship with someone that puts material things at the top of the list. This "fear" of "not enough" then plays havoc on their self-esteem because then - especially if they have "lost love" due to this - they begin to equate this idea of "not enough" to themselves. In other words, they begin to feel that THEY, themselves, are "not enough" or not GOOD ENOUGH. It can also manifest itself (this fear of poverty) by a person trying to impress the object of their love by spending more money than they can actually afford to spend. To spend beyond their means - to try to live a life that is not really their life. Why? In order to impress so that they do not lose. (Hey friend - that will never work!).

This "fear of poverty" also goes hand in hand with the "fear of criticism" as it relates to the "fear of losing love". How so? Many times the person who is afraid of losing love, is also afraid of the criticism that may come their way because - again - they are not good enough (don't have enough, spend enough, give enough). The object of their love may actually criticize them for this - "If you loved me, you'd buy me this!" or "I'm not sure you're really going to be able to give me what I want!" or even, "HER boyfriend (husband) takes her to ALL of the best places - I wish you were more like that!" And, again, this fear of criticism then may cause a person to try to live a life that is not really their life. Again, this will never work and it is no way to truly live!

As the song goes, "LOVE HURTS!" And, hey, getting your heart broken is no fun at all! But -here's the kicker - this "fear of losing love" can actually manifest itself by this actually happening! This is called "the Law of Attraction" -- what you give your energy and focus to will be attracted into your life.

So, for example, a person can be so preoccupied with "losing love" that they begin to act in such a way that causes the other person to want to RUN away! "You're not the same person you were when I met you!" is often said in this situation. And, you know what? They're right!

This very thought/idea can be seen in these SYMPTOMS of the FEAR of LOSING LOVE:

1. JEALOUSLY - the habit of being suspicious of friends and loved ones without any reasonable evidence of sufficient grounds. The habit of accusing wife or husband of infidelity without grounds. General suspicion of everyone, absolute faith in no one.
Wow - think about that! Suspicious of everyone - trusting no one! What a horrible way to live! But, you know what? I used to live that way! I used to be so jealous when my wife and I dated and first got married. Here's what I discovered to be true about me in that situation - it had nothing to do with her and everything to do with me! I knew how guys "operated" because I was a guy! And, too, I knew what a "dog" I had been and I knew all the "tricks" so to speak. So, instead of trusting her and our love - I didn't trust anyone - INCLUDING her! Let me tell you friend, that was a miserable way to live! Anytime you live life being suspicious of everyone and trusting no one - YOU ARE NOT LIVING LIFE!

2. FAULT FINDING - I mention on Thursday's podcast that I'm not sure what Mr. Hill had in mind on this one but, as I look at it I see that low self-esteem creeping in again on this one. One may fear losing love so much that they feel the only way to try to make themselves look better in the eyes of the object of their love is to find fault in EVERYONE else (and to be sure to point those out, too!). The sad truth is - this fault finding usually finds it's way to the object of their love. What do you think happens then?

3. GAMBLING - Remember, this is the 1937 version of this book and I think we can safely say that this symptom can go beyond just gambling. The idea expressed in this point in the book is again the manifestation of the "fear of poverty" and the need to do anything, everything possible to try to bring in some extra cash in order to impress the object of one's love. The sad truth is - many times it does anything BUT impress.

THERE IS A TRAP! Be aware of the trap that the marketplace will lay for you in this very area! Pay attention to what advertisements are really saying to you and your love. Notice how just about everything comes back to the idea that if you don't buy this or that (car, house, ring and yes, even a certain kind of lawn mower) then you are a failure and an object of ridicule. Really notice this and you may be appalled at what you see. DON'T FALL FOR IT! And, again, think about this - do you REALLY want to spend time with someone that is more interested in the "stuff" that you can provide than the relationship itself? I think not.

One other note - this does not have to even be tied into "romantic love" does it? I've seen roommates go through this same type of scenario because they did not want to lose the "love" of that friendship, etc. I've seen roommates get extremely jealous, for example, when their roommate found a new boyfriend/girlfriend and started spending more time with their new love than with the roommate. Friends go through this type of thing more often than we might think!

BOTTOM LINE:
Remember that FEAR paralyzes! FEAR keeps you from living life to the full or to the max. This is true in all areas of our life.

Whatever your situation - regardless of how many times you have been "rejected" (in your own mind) or have "lost" at the "game of love" - DO NOT GIVE IN TO THIS FEAR!

Once again, it's all about controlling your mind and the thoughts that you allow in. Self-talk in these situations can literally stop you dead in your tracks. Stating and believing that you are worthless or not capable of love will actually make that a reality in your life in that it will cause you to act in such a way that will not attract others to the real you!

YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO OFFER by way of friendship and, yes, even in love. Again, it's your choice - either retreat at the first sign of resistance, trouble, roadblock or even perceived failure OR pick up, learn and move on positively into your future.

I'm here to help in you need it - but YOU have the ability to do this yourself. Yes, that's right - it's within YOU and YOU CAN DO IT!

It's all tied in together my friend! Even in how you approach your day. Always remember to...

"Make it an AWESOME day! (Who else is going to do it for you?)"

Mike